What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:58
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
She was in good health!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
All the time i was locked up.
Is it possible to achieve spiritual enlightenment while being in a romantic relationship?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She wouldn,t have been !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She loved him until the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it wasn’t much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general